• Matthew draws

    post
  • Michael writes


     

    Party in Philadelphia? I’ll be there, and I’ll bring some ladies, but first you have to do something for me.
    You have to stop wearing party hats.
    I mean it. It’s not even just parties anymore; you wore one to a neighborhood watch meeting for Gods sake. I assume that your “party” is for adults? I won’t have to find a Chuck E. Cheese on Yelp to get the directions, or know anything about the Spy Kids franchise?
    It’s an imbecilic fascination and it will end today, or else… I turn your party hat party into a party hat intervention.
    New Years is over. The other 364 days of the year try wearing a hat that adults wear– like a fez.
    Yeah. Wear a fez.
    Continue

    Matthew draws

    post2
  • Michael writes


    The ladies seemed like they had a great time at your party. My apologies for leaving early. About that, my storming out. Obviously I want to apologize for my, um, behavior. I may have had a few too many to drink. I had no clue that the wine was 80-proof, homegrown moonshine. The ‘XXX’ label should have tipped me off. And then the more I think about it, who serves wine in a boot? Anyway, it triggered some irrational anger on my part towards your new fez hat which, I realize, is strange since the hat was my idea in the first place. I repeat: MY idea.

    To me it’s just a hat — acknowledge it and move on with your life. But the girls, especially, were very into talking about it and staring at it with what can best be described as a hypnotic leer. IT’S JUST A HAT. Why would a– anyway. I’m relitigating. I just had no clue Turkish headwear was such an aphrodisiac.

    No excuse for me letting my insecurity get the best of me. I’m sorry for telling you that the fez makes you look like a genie with no wishes; and for trying to drink moonshine wine from it. That’s not how I conduct myself. I have integrity. If you don’t believe me just ask the Shriners club; I’m their newest member. I proudly look forward to wearing the uniform.

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    Matthew draws

    post3
  • Michael writes


    Mel Gibson: a man of many hats, none of them yamakas.
    Have you seen his movie about the beaver yet? I hope that beaver pays for whatever it did to Mel Gibson’s family.

     

    Continue

    Matthew draws

    post4
  • Michael writes


    Oh you saw the movie. Well thanks for spoiling it. So in the end the beaver betrays Mel Gibson to protect its family? And this beaver’s family is made up of a beaver (obviously), the beaver’s wife (also a beaver), and their two kids who are not at all beavers; in fact they are mice. AND WHY ARE THEY MICE??

    Let me tell you why they aren’t mice. Evolution. And because you’re an idiot. You’re conflating the fact that beavers and mice are both in the rodent family, which is not the same as beavers and mice being an actual family, living together in a hollow log or giant wheel of cheese.

    I’ll give you an example: humans are primates, meaning your mother and my mother are both primates. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you a Sumatran orangutan? (Look at a picture of a Sumatran orangutan before you answer)

    This is why our food snack business failed so miserably. My brilliant idea — animal ‘fortune’ cookies with interesting facts about animals baked inside them — RUINED because you got all the facts wrong. Now some storage place in Queens has dozens of boxes with little slips of paper in them that say stuff like “Whales just read nonfiction” and “Cows eating grass is based on the movie Lawnmower Man.”

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    Matthew draws

    p1023
  • Michael writes


    If this is about that time I woke you in the middle of the night and left two orangutans at your house then disappeared for a year without an explanation, I don’t want to hear it. I used to get pretty F’ed up back in those days—talkin’ every which way but loose–so “sorry” I dumped two orangutans on you but I already “apologized” for it on Skype.

    And as I recall, it made you quite the human interest story. I read all of your press clippings that year: “Suspicious Ape Noises Heard from Home of Area Man,” “Area Man Refutes Suspicion He is Harboring Apes,” “Vandals Terrorize Orange Julius Disguised as Apes; Area Man Suspected as Accomplice.”

    Then that interview you did with Maxim magazine “Hot 100 Anchor Babe of the Year” Rosa Yakamora when the apes kept taking down your pants with you powerless to stop them? You should be thanking me for making you a star on You Tube. You got to go on “Tosh 2.0,” guest bailiff on “Judge Mathis,” even a walk-on role on “Hot in Cleveland.” Thanks to me you met Jane Leeves!

    None of it means you know anything about animals. Just because you walked around in a safari outfit for a year, aiding and abetting a couple of evil apes I won at a dice tournament, don’t make you Jane Goodall.

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    Matthew draws

    leevesPoo
  • Michael writes


    What disgusts me about this the most — and believe it or not it’s not what the ape is doing — is that you know Jane Leeves is my free pass. A free pass is when your wife lets you have sex with someone outside of the marriage. Of course I’m not married yet, but I’m claiming my free pass now so that when I’m inside of a marriage I’ll have an ironclad way to get back out.

    Actually, I have 5 free passes: #5 was Jane Leeves until your ruined it. #2-4 are Peri Gilpin, Camille Grammer, and Bebe Neuwirth. And #1 is, and will always be, Frasier Co-Creator Peter Casey.

    I’ll have to find a new #5 now. I need to talk to my therapist about this.

    Continue

    Michael writes


    Hey, is it weird that my therapist makes me meet him at a bus stop? He won’t explain it to me. Just some vague muttering about restricted airspace and black helicopters. I put up with it though because he’s been teaching me how to trust myself, and only myself. And not the government.

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  • Matthew draws

    therapist

    Michael writes


    Therapist is right? Therapist IS right!
    Therapist is right. Paranoia IS just having all the facts.
    Therapist is right. Mother IS an emotional Ben Bernake.
    Therapist is right. Whittling birch wood IS the best way to form a spear.
    Therapist warns of a rush on the yen. Therapist calls the Treasury department “the silver coffers of the do-nothings.” Therapist enjoys the familiar weight of a single-shot pistol.
    Therapist has an online degree.
    Continue
  • Matthew draws

    blahblah

    Michael writes


    Of Mans First Disobedience, and the Fruit Of that Forbidden Plumbing, whose Flush perseveres through the Eternal Fire and hath brought “Blah” unto the World, and all our Woe.

    Unto Newlyweds whose monogrammed Robes mask Not who forgot what at Sears; Unto a patient Priest, Eyes Wide Shut, Drowning out the Begging Prayers of a Supplicant with his own Slovenly Dream that one day he reach Level 6 on Angry Birds; Unto the Silver Tongue of my Anti-Government Therapist who canvases write-in votes for a Chuck Norris Presidency.

    One Day at a Time, we hope, our Plumbing is Restored. In loss of Eden, shine thy Handyman O Lord. One great man to Unclog our deceit. Deliver unto Us a Schneider. We take comfort in these words as Prophesized:

    So up on your feet. Up on your feet
    Somewhere there’s music playing.
    Don’t you worry none
    We’ll just take it like it comes.

    One day at a time, one day at a time.
    One day at a time, one day at a time.
    One day at a time, one day at a time.
    One day at a time, one day at a time.

    Continue
  • Matthew draws

    schneider2

    Michael writes


    Thanksgiving is here
    And I am full of such cheer!
    Would you like to go play
    Pilgrims and Indians today?
    Continue
  • Matthew draws

    thanksgiving

    Michael writes


    Yeah… nevermind.

    Continue
  • Michael writes


    Let me ask you something. In your entire life has anyone ever said to you, under any circumstance, without irony “Wait! I can explain“?
    Because this guy said it to me last night. He was in the mirror.
    Continue

    Matthew draws

    knight2
  • Michael writes


    Ah excuse me sir? I’m just the medieval hunchback whose tailor shop you are in.  Not to interrupt you while you talk to yourself in the mirror but I gotta “hunch” you’re going to be interested in this beautiful King Arthur blade, part of our Lionheart collection. At 10% off it’s a steal, and it’s not just to kill with. It’s to die for.
    It’ll be perfect for going out on your little holy crusades in the name of a Catholic Kingdom whatever of Israel, whatever.
    Jews, Muslims, doesn’t matter. When they see you coming wearing that suit of armor, and holding this sword, they are going to just lay down their weapons and weep you looks so good. They are going to kneel before Zod. Your name is Zod right?
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    Matthew draws

    zod
  • Matthew draws

    2012

    Michael writes


    You seem extra psyched about the new year. That’s great! It is. I’m just a little worried. Your new years resolutions always tend to be unrealistic. Remember last year how depressed you got when you couldn’t figure out how to build a C-3PO? Or the year before you ate the world’s largest candy apple because you thought it would help you win Time magazine Man of the Year? But instead they had to pump your stomach.

    Take a cue from me. I keep all my resolutions within reach. Like this year I’m only going to date women who will go out with me. I also made a promise to myself to watch the next season of Game of Thrones. I’m going to change “Hip/Hop” to “Hip-Hop” in my iTunes library, and I’m not going to hit anyone in the face.

    Those are mine. What are yours?

    Continue
  • Matthew draws

    newyear

    Michael writes


    Your resolution is to buck naked atop a saddleless black stallion on a horse ranch run by a cattle foreman who looks like C-3PO but really he’s your high school swim coach? This is the dream you said you had the night you watched a Star Wars marathon and ate 11 bowls of Raisin Nut Bran.

    But hey, who am I to tell you not to make your dreams come true™? Even if your dreams are literally a random series of thoughts, images, sensations not bound by reality occurring involuntarily in your mind as you sleep. You can make your dreams come true™. Just follow your own advice:

    1) Invest in investments! Nudist colonies on horse ranches don’t exist … yet. To build one you’ll need serious capital. The only way to make money in this economy is by betting against America. So short sell U.S. Bonds, invest in Chinese gold, and do not occupy anything or hash tag #occupy anything.
    2) Love people! The #1 rule (#2 for purposes of this list). It’s something John Lennon would still believe in today if someone hadn’t shot him in the back four times.
    3) Raisin Nut Bran! Eat 11 bowls before you go to bed. I don’t know why.

    Climb on board you dream weaver! Be your own Gary Wright. And if you don’t know who Gary Wright is he sang the song “Dream Weaver” by Gary Wright.

    Continue
  • Matthew draws

    wrighttree2

    Michael Writes


    Hi Matthew, I’m Gary. I’ll be your substitute homeschool teacher. Today we study the history of aviation. Do you know the Wright brothers? Well the Wright brothers were men of low moral fiber who the beast Satan rewarded by telling bumblebees to whisper unto them their secrets of flight. And after healing from a swarm of bee stings they invented the first plane.
    Before the Wright brothers was man’s first trip into outer space which, chronologically speaking, happened “after” the Wright brothers but really you and I know it happened before…if you stop to think about it. Stop to think about it. Time machines? The year 2025? I think you understand now.
    That’s enough about history, let’s go over ghost protocol for zero hour again. Remember! The world ends in two hundred and sixty-five days, and if it doesn’t end that means we have another two hundred and sixty-five day reprieve, because…? Because, because? Because future you used “what” machine to travel back to our now to stop the world from ending?
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  • Matthew draws

    Time travel

    Michael writes


    Calendar maker: Officer, please help! A strange pale man appear from out of thin air. He smash my Mayan calendar!

    Mayan police: We’re in Maya; it’s just a calendar here.

    Calendar maker: He wear hat shaped like cone that go bleep and bloop.

    Mayan police: Like a fez?

    Calendar maker: No, not as aphrodisiac. This pale man ruin my life’s work! Moon after moon I spend, twelve years now, making Mayan calendar. You know how I know this?

    Mayan police: How?

    Calendar maker: I MAKE CALENDAR THAT MARK TIME! Before him break it him yell ‘This is for Gary!’ What kind of evil name is this… Gary?

    Mayan police: I don’t know Mrs. Vicious Turtle. We’ll see what we can do. But we’re pretty preoccupied with crimes more heinous in nature.

    Calendar maker: Heinous! More heinous than destroying a Mayan calendar?

    Mayan police: Again…

    Calendar maker: Carved from precious stone with my own two hands, and the two hands of my slave! What is more heinous than vandalism?

    Mayan police: Welp… beheadings are up.

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  • Matthew Draws

    Springtime

    Michael writes


    Reminds me of a beast fable Ernest Hemingway told me once while I was stuck in a k-hole. The fable is called “The Hippo & the Stork Beast Fable,” which is redundant which is Hemingway:

     

    “A hippo and a stork meet in a meadow. The stork asks if the hippo will let it stand on the hippo’s head? But as the hippo is asking him why, the stork is already standing on his head.”

     

    The moral: when someone wants to shit on your head don’t bother asking why.
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  • Matthew draws

    beastfable

    Michael writes


    This reminds me of a beast fable an old man with an erection told me from behind the bushes of his estate. It goes like this:

     

    “Psst. A porcupine meets a beautiful frog in an empty apartment both want to rent. The porcupine and the frog like each other so much they do it in front of a mirror, and afterwards they agree to never share any personal information, not even their names.

    They keep meeting in private and *WHISTLE NOISE* each others brains out using extra large *DOORBELL RING* on each others’ *KAZOO SOUND* while they *SQUEAKY MATTRESS*. One night after a bad argument the porcupine puts a stick of butter up the frog’s *CLOWN HORN* and they *SLIDE WHISTLE* on the balcony in broad day. Until one day the frog wants to know the porcupine’s name?

    ‘My name is Sneaky Larry,’ it says. ‘And I like to poke.’”

     

    The moral: never get to know anyone. Ever.
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  • Matthew draws

    robocatFINAL

    Michael writes


    This reminds me of a beast fable a guy who sells D batteries on the subway told me once:

    “Two mice who were wrongfully imprisoned in space jail spark a rebellion against their cat overlords when they hijack a robot-cat and use it to have very rough sex with the President of Cats, like in that movie Secretary? The rough sex part, I mean. In the movie Secretary there was no character who was President of Cats—excuse me—PURRsident of Cats.”

    “You want some Duracells?”

    The moral: don’t tell a guy holding a ziplock bag full of D batteries that the story he wrote about anthropomorphic mice who fuck to win is too hard Sci-Fi to get published.

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  • Matthew draws

    bowl

    Michael writes


    Do you know that in Germany they bowl without holes in the ball? Instead they swaddle the ball with a sheen of professionalism. They swaddle it, kiss it, and whisper something to it in German—something about tearing down a wall? And then they fire the ball from a cannon with as much force as possible at the pins. So hard you’d think the pins were Polish.

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