All posts in "Writings"
04
Oct
Michael writes
06
Oct
Michael writes
The ladies seemed like they had a great time at your party. My apologies for leaving early. About that, my storming out. Obviously I want to apologize for my, um, behavior. I may have had a few too many to drink. I had no clue that the wine was 80-proof, homegrown moonshine. The ‘XXX’ label should have tipped me off. And then the more I think about it, who serves wine in a boot? Anyway, it triggered some irrational anger on my part towards your new fez hat which, I realize, is strange since the hat was my idea in the first place. I repeat: MY idea.
To me it’s just a hat — acknowledge it and move on with your life. But the girls, especially, were very into talking about it and staring at it with what can best be described as a hypnotic leer. IT’S JUST A HAT. Why would a– anyway. I’m relitigating. I just had no clue Turkish headwear was such an aphrodisiac.
No excuse for me letting my insecurity get the best of me. I’m sorry for telling you that the fez makes you look like a genie with no wishes; and for trying to drink moonshine wine from it. That’s not how I conduct myself. I have integrity. If you don’t believe me just ask the Shriners club; I’m their newest member. I proudly look forward to wearing the uniform.
13
Oct
Michael writes
Mel Gibson: a man of many hats, none of them yamakas.
Have you seen his movie about the beaver yet? I hope that beaver pays for whatever it did to Mel Gibson’s family.
18
Oct
Michael writes
Oh you saw the movie. Well thanks for spoiling it. So in the end the beaver betrays Mel Gibson to protect its family? And this beaver’s family is made up of a beaver (obviously), the beaver’s wife (also a beaver), and their two kids who are not at all beavers; in fact they are mice. AND WHY ARE THEY MICE??
Let me tell you why they aren’t mice. Evolution. And because you’re an idiot. You’re conflating the fact that beavers and mice are both in the rodent family, which is not the same as beavers and mice being an actual family, living together in a hollow log or giant wheel of cheese.
I’ll give you an example: humans are primates, meaning your mother and my mother are both primates. Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you a Sumatran orangutan? (Look at a picture of a Sumatran orangutan before you answer)
This is why our food snack business failed so miserably. My brilliant idea — animal ‘fortune’ cookies with interesting facts about animals baked inside them — RUINED because you got all the facts wrong. Now some storage place in Queens has dozens of boxes with little slips of paper in them that say stuff like “Whales just read nonfiction” and “Cows eating grass is based on the movie Lawnmower Man.”
25
Oct
Michael writes
If this is about that time I woke you in the middle of the night and left two orangutans at your house then disappeared for a year without an explanation, I don’t want to hear it. I used to get pretty F’ed up back in those days—talkin’ every which way but loose–so “sorry” I dumped two orangutans on you but I already “apologized” for it on Skype.
And as I recall, it made you quite the human interest story. I read all of your press clippings that year: “Suspicious Ape Noises Heard from Home of Area Man,” “Area Man Refutes Suspicion He is Harboring Apes,” “Vandals Terrorize Orange Julius Disguised as Apes; Area Man Suspected as Accomplice.”
Then that interview you did with Maxim magazine “Hot 100 Anchor Babe of the Year” Rosa Yakamora when the apes kept taking down your pants with you powerless to stop them? You should be thanking me for making you a star on You Tube. You got to go on “Tosh 2.0,” guest bailiff on “Judge Mathis,” even a walk-on role on “Hot in Cleveland.” Thanks to me you met Jane Leeves!
None of it means you know anything about animals. Just because you walked around in a safari outfit for a year, aiding and abetting a couple of evil apes I won at a dice tournament, don’t make you Jane Goodall.
08
Nov
Michael writes
What disgusts me about this the most — and believe it or not it’s not what the ape is doing — is that you know Jane Leeves is my free pass. A free pass is when your wife lets you have sex with someone outside of the marriage. Of course I’m not married yet, but I’m claiming my free pass now so that when I’m inside of a marriage I’ll have an ironclad way to get back out.
Actually, I have 5 free passes: #5 was Jane Leeves until your ruined it. #2-4 are Peri Gilpin, Camille Grammer, and Bebe Neuwirth. And #1 is, and will always be, Frasier Co-Creator Peter Casey.
I’ll have to find a new #5 now. I need to talk to my therapist about this.
08
Nov
Michael writes
Hey, is it weird that my therapist makes me meet him at a bus stop? He won’t explain it to me. Just some vague muttering about restricted airspace and black helicopters. I put up with it though because he’s been teaching me how to trust myself, and only myself. And not the government.
15
Nov
Michael writes
Therapist is right? Therapist IS right!
Therapist is right. Paranoia IS just having all the facts.
Therapist is right. Mother IS an emotional Ben Bernake.
Therapist is right. Whittling birch wood IS the best way to form a spear.
Therapist warns of a rush on the yen. Therapist calls the Treasury department “the silver coffers of the do-nothings.” Therapist enjoys the familiar weight of a single-shot pistol.
Therapist has an online degree.
22
Nov
Michael writes
Of Mans First Disobedience, and the Fruit Of that Forbidden Plumbing, whose Flush perseveres through the Eternal Fire and hath brought “Blah” unto the World, and all our Woe.
Unto Newlyweds whose monogrammed Robes mask Not who forgot what at Sears; Unto a patient Priest, Eyes Wide Shut, Drowning out the Begging Prayers of a Supplicant with his own Slovenly Dream that one day he reach Level 6 on Angry Birds; Unto the Silver Tongue of my Anti-Government Therapist who canvases write-in votes for a Chuck Norris Presidency.
One Day at a Time, we hope, our Plumbing is Restored. In loss of Eden, shine thy Handyman O Lord. One great man to Unclog our deceit. Deliver unto Us a Schneider. We take comfort in these words as Prophesized:
So up on your feet. Up on your feet
Somewhere there’s music playing.
Don’t you worry none
We’ll just take it like it comes.One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
23
Nov