All posts tagged "New Years Resolutions"

You seem extra psyched about the new year. That’s great! It is. I’m just a little worried. Your new years resolutions always tend to be unrealistic. Remember last year how depressed you got when you couldn’t figure out how to build a C-3PO? Or the year before you ate the world’s largest candy apple because you thought it would help you win Time magazine Man of the Year? But instead they had to pump your stomach.

Take a cue from me. I keep all my resolutions within reach. Like this year I’m only going to date women who will go out with me. I also made a promise to myself to watch the next season of Game of Thrones. I’m going to change “Hip/Hop” to “Hip-Hop” in my iTunes library, and I’m not going to hit anyone in the face.

Those are mine. What are yours?

Your resolution is to buck naked atop a saddleless black stallion on a horse ranch run by a cattle foreman who looks like C-3PO but really he’s your high school swim coach? This is the dream you said you had the night you watched a Star Wars marathon and ate 11 bowls of Raisin Nut Bran.

But hey, who am I to tell you not to make your dreams come true™? Even if your dreams are literally a random series of thoughts, images, sensations not bound by reality occurring involuntarily in your mind as you sleep. You can make your dreams come true™. Just follow your own advice:

1) Invest in investments! Nudist colonies on horse ranches don’t exist … yet. To build one you’ll need serious capital. The only way to make money in this economy is by betting against America. So short sell U.S. Bonds, invest in Chinese gold, and do not occupy anything or hash tag #occupy anything.
2) Love people! The #1 rule (#2 for purposes of this list). It’s something John Lennon would still believe in today if someone hadn’t shot him in the back four times.
3) Raisin Nut Bran! Eat 11 bowls before you go to bed. I don’t know why.

Climb on board you dream weaver! Be your own Gary Wright. And if you don’t know who Gary Wright is he sang the song “Dream Weaver” by Gary Wright.