All posts tagged "The Jack Hanna Jane Leeves Needs"

If this is about that time I woke you in the middle of the night and left two orangutans at your house then disappeared for a year without an explanation, I don’t want to hear it. I used to get pretty F’ed up back in those days—talkin’ every which way but loose–so “sorry” I dumped two orangutans on you but I already “apologized” for it on Skype.

And as I recall, it made you quite the human interest story. I read all of your press clippings that year: “Suspicious Ape Noises Heard from Home of Area Man,” “Area Man Refutes Suspicion He is Harboring Apes,” “Vandals Terrorize Orange Julius Disguised as Apes; Area Man Suspected as Accomplice.”

Then that interview you did with Maxim magazine “Hot 100 Anchor Babe of the Year” Rosa Yakamora when the apes kept taking down your pants with you powerless to stop them? You should be thanking me for making you a star on You Tube. You got to go on “Tosh 2.0,” guest bailiff on “Judge Mathis,” even a walk-on role on “Hot in Cleveland.” Thanks to me you met Jane Leeves!

None of it means you know anything about animals. Just because you walked around in a safari outfit for a year, aiding and abetting a couple of evil apes I won at a dice tournament, don’t make you Jane Goodall.

What disgusts me about this the most — and believe it or not it’s not what the ape is doing — is that you know Jane Leeves is my free pass. A free pass is when your wife lets you have sex with someone outside of the marriage. Of course I’m not married yet, but I’m claiming my free pass now so that when I’m inside of a marriage I’ll have an ironclad way to get back out.

Actually, I have 5 free passes: #5 was Jane Leeves until your ruined it. #2-4 are Peri Gilpin, Camille Grammer, and Bebe Neuwirth. And #1 is, and will always be, Frasier Co-Creator Peter Casey.

I’ll have to find a new #5 now. I need to talk to my therapist about this.